I have been thinking since then how my illness changed me...and it has in a lot of significant ways.
I am less guarded about my personal life...Some days I will tell a total stranger about my daily struggles. I find it therapeutic to talk about it with strangers than with friends and family because I am always, always so afraid that I am burdening them...and I just couldn't live knowing that I am burdening them. So telling it to a willing listening ear whom I wont see again makes sense to me.
I do not alert my family about my daily pains or other issues unless it's very, very bad and/or it's something new.
I look forward to each day with a lot of enthusiasm...simply because it's another day that I there for...I appreciate and enjoy every single day! Even if I sit on the sofa watching television because I am in so much pain and can't do anything else.
I am more forgiving...I came to the conclusion that it's not worth the stress and being at peace is a much better option. Plus my symptoms are worse when I am stressed. People who don't have a chronic ill should try it too...you'll find that it's way better for your health. Sometimes people don't quite get it when I say "I don't want to fight anymore" I guess because it's not a normal thing people say and actually mean it??
Thankfully I was never the one to feel lonely when I am by myself, most days I am alone ... like today it rained, sleet and snowed all day. Several people kept in touch with me to make sure I was ok though.
One great thing about illness is that I get to see and experience the goodness in people. Strangers, friends, family...it is so heartwarming to see the effort and the extent people will go to help and comfort me.
I am not as embarrassed as I use to be to eat out... I am right handed but due to the tremors and severe weakness I have started using my left hand to eat and do a lot of other stuff. My left side is now showing the wear and tear of constant use and now I have minor tremors and sometimes severe pain' but I am not letting it bother me. Just the other day while I was in the lady's room my husband got me soup at a restaurant. I almost said I don't drink soup in public anymore but I thought it was such a kind jester that I sat and enjoyed it and didn't care if anyone though me odd in anyway when my head was bent over and close to the bowl to avoid spills.
Material stuff and lots of money is passe to me... I am happy with just enough to pay the bills, eat out once in a while and maybe a bit of travel.
I volunteer for a few hours at an art gallery and I love it! I love it because it gives me a sense of independence; I don't need anyone to drive me to there because it's a minute from my home; I am surrounded by beautiful interesting art! What could be better??
I do have my moments when I feel totally defeated....When my mind tells me I can walk this far but I really can't; when I attempt to reach for something and can't because my arm is stuck at my side and wont move; when I move too fast and feel the damming effects; when I am treated like a burden rather than a whole person..."no you can't go because what if you get sick I wont have time to take care of you"; when it's slippery outside and I can't walk by myself and need help...
I could go on and on but I do my best to have less of those days...it is mostly the choice I make not to be 'down' but sometime as human I have to give myself that release and feel sorry for myself and then make the big effort and the choice to get back on track and not to lose hope.
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